I can’t remember perfectly clearly, but I think I may have thought I had it all together before I had kids. This is probably just my memory playing tricks on me, or sleep deprivation playing tricks on me, but this is how I’m thinking these days. Sure, I didn’t have it all together, but I certainly never let others down, or myself down, to the degree I do now that I’m a mother- especially a mother of two.
Today I raised my voice at my 20 month old. I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d do that. In my pre-kid dreams of one day being a mother, I thought I’d have endless patience, a calm voice day and night, a serene, yet super fun demeanor despite any challenges that were posed day or night.
That was before I was tested. I think it’s easier to think you have it all together when you have lots of time to yourself, when you can go out with your spouse to a dinner and movie and not think about how much you’ll pay for that late night with the 6am wake-up call, when you can make dinner without one yelling from the bathroom to come wipe their bottom and the other hanging on your leg begging you to wipe their green snot off their face (bet you’re itching for an invitation to our home for dinner now!), when you drink coffee hot…
A round of illness is working it’s way through our house. Since I’ve not slept well for over a week- I can’t get into a deep sleep when I hear their coughs from another room and know I’ll be needed any minute- now I’m the last to get sick. Sophia seems to be on the upswing- praise!- and if I can find time to sleep, to drink a hot cup of tea, to get outside for fresh air, I may feel better soon as well. And, I hope this grumpy mommy leaves as well, although this grumpiness that flares up from seemingly nowhere reminds me of my need for Jesus, so I’m thankful for it.
I’m so thankful for my children. I’m so thankful that life with them shows me that I really, REALLY, don’t have it all together. I train them and mold them best I know how, and then I fail, and need to ask forgiveness, and by my failings, and through my repentance, I show them that I need Jesus too- more than I ever thought! I remind myself that I need grace just as much as they need grace. I’m humbled because not only do I not have it all together, I can’t even begin to fool myself or anyone else into thinking I have it all together. For better or worse.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace,
but with humility comes wisdom.
I’m always praying and asking for more wisdom…. first things first, I guess!
Even when tired, there’s always the joy that comes when baking with a really cute ballerina.